I miss it.

As much as I love living in K-Town there are days when I really miss what I call my "old life." While I wouldn't have said so at the time, things were just so much simpler. I was in school with the goal to graduate from the Web Design Program, I had a nice part time job, I was raising guide dog puppies, and was active in our guide dog group. I had a great church family and life was good.

I felt like I had direction.

Then it all turned upside down.

This is not to say the move wasn't good for me, it was. But I miss the surety (at least in my mind) of life five years ago.

Right now life just feels, pointless. Well perhaps that's not the right word, but some days I get up going. What in the world am I doing? I know there is one out there, but at the moment I don't know how to find it, and all my current endeavors just leave me frustrated at the end of the day. I have a job that pays the bills, but not one I particularly enjoy, I'm stuck with a debt to pay off before I can finish my schooling, and even things such as puppy raising have lost their appeal.

Will I quit striving at any of the above? No, but at the same time I just don't feel as .... I don't even know. Words can't express how thankful I have for my week long christmas break.

I need it.

P.S ( I also miss photoshop. Gimp just doesn't cut it.)

Dear Diary // I'm Ready Already!

Over the last couple of days, a lot has happened. 

It was fast, sudden and totally unexpected.

I can't go into much detail right now since this a very public forum, but suffice it to say, life has a great potential to change, like next week. This change would  mean a great many things to me, another chance to go to school,  a chance for life to be a bit sweeter, a sacrifice of monumental proportions (for me anyway), a lot less free time. A busier me. I know God only opens doors that are GOOD for us, so I'm trusting if this doors starts to creak, then its meant to be. (Ha! Rhyming again!)

Its taken a lot of thought and prayer to get to the point, where I'm ready to run through this door should it open, but peoples I'm officially there!

Now if I could only get a phone call......!

You Want My Opinion?

This post isn't meant to start an argument but more to unload my brain. Again.

My Twitter feed has been blowing up about the North Carolina vote earlier this week, something I was a bit surprised at because no one in the news media really expected to pass. I honestly didn't know it was an issue considering the area I lived in. heh.

So here's the thing, no I do not support gay marriage. You already knew this because I've written about this before. To me its a moral issue, a sin issue, right and wrong, and I don't believe its right.

I believe sin is wrong. Whatever form it comes in, whether its lying, cheating, stealing, etc..etc..

Yeah, I'm one of "those" people.

However, this does not mean I will treat you as a sub-human simply because I don't agree with what you are doing.

I can't.

Because pride is also a sin, as is hatred.

Believe me, I am not the way I am simply because I am so good. Ohhh no no no no no no jean claude.

You didn't get the "Before God" me. I wasn't a nice person.

But I digress.

The purpose of this to say, that simply because I do not believe two women/two men should get married doesn't mean I hate them, or am ignorant etc..

It just means my opinion differs from yours. Theirs. Everyone's probably.

Here's the thing, what goes on behind closed doors is. None.of.my.business. And I like it stay that way. However, when you post videos, tweets, Facebook status, Google plus articles ...telling me I SHOULD agree with you or else be categorized as ignorant, hateful, close minded....

[and people say RELIGIOUS people are bad about forcing their religion. HA!]
{{and OH YEAH you can't BULLY someone into something}}

"He that is convinced against his will is of the same opinion still"

Then I have a right to express my opinion. And you have a right to respect it.

AND. If you ask me to vote on the issue, I also have a right to vote no.

Does that make me a bad horrible hateful person? No. It doesn't! :)

You know from a previous post, that I have had gay co-workers, gay clients, and *gasp* LIKED them. But that doesn't mean I HAVE to agree or support with what their doing. 

Now that I've lost friends and followers...

I'll bid you good day.

Love.

I was watching a proposal video on YouTube.

It was sweet, not over the top, somewhat you unique. The guy asked the girl on television. She says yes. 

But what got me was, when asked why they loved one another... the answers were.. bland. 

I've heard people expound the qualities of their dog better than this couple did for each other. 

"He's very nice to me" that's what I like most about him. 

My co-workers are nice to me, but I'm not going to marry them! 

I realize they were put on the spot, and should I have been put in the same position I probably wouldn't have wanted to give a really personal answer either, but I would hope that there was something a little more, meaningful, unique that I could say about my significant other. 

It got me thinking... 

If someone were to ask me why I love [insert significant person(s) name here] what would I say? 

Going through my list of close friends I realize the biggest reason I love them is because they love me. For who I am. Not who I could be, or what they can make me into, but because I am me. 

The same way God loves us, and we..love.. him. Not because He's done all these great and wondrous things in our lives (which He has) but above all because He loved us unconditionally first. This may not mean much to you, but this has been a real point of struggle for me over the last couple of weeks. You'll just have to be in my head to know exactly what's been going on. 

"We love him, because he first loved us" - 1 John 4:19 

Just. Wow.

Musings...

traditional exterior design by nashville architect Eric Stengel Architecture, llc

traditional exterior design by cincinnati architect Richard Taylor Architects

traditional exterior design by nashville architect Eric Stengel Architecture, llc

Sometimes I think I'm a country girl at heart. No, I know I am.
My parents? Definitely city folk.

Every time I drive past our neighbors farms, I long to have one of my own. Talk about breaking some stereotypes eh?

My farm would have a big sprawling house, a lake, barns to house the many animals I would acquire and NO neighbors within ... well a couple miles at the very least! To have the SPACE to have several large dogs, horses, chickens, ducks, goats, sheep?... maybe a pool, a place to set up agility equipment. Close enough to the mountains to have trails to ride.

Sigh.

I Should Be studying...

But..I'm thinking...

Wedding Cake at the wedding I attended Saturday

Thinking about the wedding I just got home from, and how much I don't want to have one. Noo I didn't say I didn't want to get married, but the whole wedding ceremony deal? Its scary.

Today's wedding was nice, very well put together for the couple only to have gotten engaged two months ago. But honestly? I was stressing watching everyone else stress out over little things. While these feeling's aren't new for me, being at another wedding just brings them too the forefront of my mind. Gone are the days were I dreamed of "my" day and what I'd do. Watching my friend in 2009, then my roommate last year has killed all joy at the thought of weddings.

There are too many traditions, opinions, and feelings  to worry about.. in a word.. too many people. Whoever said it was all about the bride? They were wrong. I would know after listening to people stress about what this one would say, or if they did this what would so-and-so think.

I'd be happy to have the pastor, me + future hubby + my immediate family and close friends. That would be a day for me.

And future whomever. 

Then we can have a party with lots of well wishers and the like. No cake cutting, bouquet or garter toss or the silly thing you do with the drinks, intertwining hands and what not. WHERE did that tradition come from?

Could I actually follow through with it? Probably not. Not too mention I'm sure future so-and-so would probably like an opinion in the matter, but I don't see myself enjoying the process much. 

Why are you worrying about this Erin? I know that's what you're wondering.. well I'm not really, but with the majority of my childhood friends dating, engaged, or married. Its something I'll have to think about more. Which is another scary thought. 

You know... I really have a project to finish. 

Good Night.

I Should Be studying...

But..I'm thinking...

Wedding Cake at the wedding I attended Saturday

Thinking about the wedding I just got home from, and how much I don't want to have one. Noo I didn't say I didn't want to get married, but the whole wedding ceremony deal? Its scary.

Today's wedding was nice, very well put together for the couple only to have gotten engaged two months ago. But honestly? I was stressing watching everyone else stress out over little things. While these feeling's aren't new for me, being at another wedding just brings them too the forefront of my mind. Gone are the days were I dreamed of "my" day and what I'd do. Watching my friend in 2009, then my roommate last year has killed all joy at the thought of weddings.

There are too many traditions, opinions, and feelings  to worry about.. in a word.. too many people. Whoever said it was all about the bride? They were wrong. I would know after listening to people stress about what this one would say, or if they did this what would so-and-so think.

I'd be happy to have the pastor, me + future hubby + my immediate family and close friends. That would be a day for me.

And future whomever. 

Then we can have a party with lots of well wishers and the like. No cake cutting, bouquet or garter toss or the silly thing you do with the drinks, intertwining hands and what not. WHERE did that tradition come from?

Could I actually follow through with it? Probably not. Not too mention I'm sure future so-and-so would probably like an opinion in the matter, but I don't see myself enjoying the process much. 

Why are you worrying about this Erin? I know that's what you're wondering.. well I'm not really, but with the majority of my childhood friends dating, engaged, or married. Its something I'll have to think about more. Which is another scary thought. 

You know... I really have a project to finish. 

Good Night.

Thinking....

Its 11:00PM Friday night, I just got home from hanging out with friends...
In an attempt to be proactive I got online and started looking up classes that I need to take this semester.
Yes I know I've only got two weeks 'til school starts, but I did sign up earlier this year, however the payment date was yesterday, and I turned my financial aid information in ... today..

In an attempt to rectify my procrastination mistake in that I decided to see what I could/couldn't take this semester.

An hour later, my heart is pounding with a little bit of panic.

The available classes and times are all over the place. And the majority offered only at the campus furtherest from my house. 24 miles to be exact.

$$$$$$$$

In order to take a full load this semester my schedule would look like this:

M: (Work 4 hours) (School 2:00 -5:00PM) (Choir 6:30-8:00PM)
T:  (School 9:10-10:30AM + 10:45-12:10AM) (Work 4 hours)
W: (Work  7 Hours) (Church)
Th:(School 9:10-10:30AM + 10:45-12:10AM) (Work 4 hours)
F:  (Work 4 hours) (School 12:25- 3:25)

It would be a tight schedule on a "normal" basis...but the thing is, I have this dog. That's supposed to leave my house, by my side, in his yellow vest at LEAST five times a week. I should also mention, while this dog is welcome at my school, he's not welcomed at my place of employment.

Which means, that I would have to either go and pick him up before school, or drop him before I go to work. IF I I have the time, adding another seventeen miles to my already long trip.

So I've got some decisions to make.

Hard. Tough. Decisions. 

Another thing, in the back of my mind is the idea that perhaps...after two years..its time for me to look at other job possibilities...ones more "friendly" to the idea of having a service dog in training with them, ones with benefits..one that is.. (dare I say it..) Full Time?

One that would allow me to continue to raise without strain..

Cause being a puppy raiser is my life. But at what cost? 

That. Is the question. 

Comfort Zones

My Job of almost two years + My House of One year + My Family + My Friends +My Church = Some of my comfort zones. 


I'm a person who thrives on the sameness of my comfort zones. Of knowing what/when/why/where/and whoe 


However, that does mean that I'm not really motivated to do or be more than I already am easily..which is not something I really feel is that good of a trait. Just because I'm comfortable being lazy doesn't mean that, that is a place I should stay. 

No matter how much I like it. 


Truthfully I'm not "lazy" in that sense of the word, when at work I work, as hard and as efficiently as possible. However, once I reach the comfort zone of my house. All bets are off. I'm just sayin. One of the side effects of being a college student. When you're done. Your done.


Back to my point, last night (Sunday Night) as I was praying about my future, schooling, life after that I asked God to allow me to actually be able to use my degree. And it suddenly hit me, that ultimately I'm in charge of that. "But I don't wanna be in charge, God!?" 

To be honest, starting my own business is not something I really had in mind for my "life goals". I've worked in several small business venues and quickly realized just how.much.work it is to run one.  


So the idea of going out there and creating my own job is scary. Its risky. I could crash and burn. People could hate and ridicule my work. People could steal my work. I could be horrible about keeping track of my funds, and what about taxes!? Do I really love photography enough to do it every day? Yes.


So many thoughts careening through my mind. 



I can get quite noisy inside me head for sure. 


Then this question pops into my head: "But are you passionate about it?!" 


Between you and me? No. 


If I could exactly what I wanted to do?! It would be dog training. 


Those who know me, know I'd talk about dog behavior all day if I could. I love the challenge of finding the solution to what people deem "problem behaviors". I'm on at least three different behavior/training email lists, subscribe to countless other training blogs, not to mention all the dog trainers I follow Facebook. I've been doing this for five years now I think I kind of like it.


But all the "training" schools are so far away/too expensive and right now its not an option/an option that God has put his approval on so. We do it as a hobby at the moment. 

I think my biggest draw to photography, was its something I can do, and still be a SAHM.  As much as I hated the idea when I was younger, its grown on me quite a bit since I've entered the working world. I CANNOT imagine trying to get ready for work and kids off to school in the mornings. 


I have a rough time getting my dogs fed and pottied before leaving for work now as it is! 


But I'm straying away from the point. 


The point is, I'm realizing more and more if I want something, I may have to step outside of my comfort zone to get it. And that, my friends, is scary.

Where Do I Go...

So I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I am the unfortunate author of six different blogs, ranging from photography to my dogs....(this is after I did a lot of consolidating mind you)

However, I'm just.not.feeling this particular blog to be honest. I don't feel like it is an accurate representation of me...who I am but more of a recent events in the life of Erin, type thing.

On this date...this happened.

Its just I don't want to put things out there, that might come back to bite me later on... so I try to keep it very...light-hearted/life drama only things, and keep everything else under wraps... but sometimes you just want to TELL SOMEONE...just to get their opinion ya know?

Thinking of joining the Anonymous blogging...

But then if you guys knew it wouldn't be anonymous than would it?

Mental Funk

A friend of mind, "kindly" posted a video of someone jumping to their death on Facebook. I knew it would send me into a funk, but I couldn't stop myself from watching, hoping, wondering someone or something would stop this. After all who was standing their video taping this person's anguish? I can still see the guy climb up onto the railing and let himself fall into the sky.

I wonder how someone can get to the point where their life means absolutely nothing to them. It makes me wonder if there was anyone out there who was searching for him, wondering about him, panicking at the thought of him causing him physical pain.

Of course I'm kind of depressed for the rest of the evening, my heart is heavy as I know he's not the only one out there, but what can I, one small person in this great big universe do?

I can pray, and hope that if I every come across someone in the balances, that I will have the courage to step up and say something.

I can't imagine.......

A Series of Adjustments

I have this bad habit of starting a post and never finishing them, so in an attempt to go ahead and post them here are some I started last week. Let's hope I can remember WHY I started those posts! :) 


- Monday October 11, 2010 


Life is a series of adjustments.
And most of the time I hate having to adjust.
Its the before God, Honest, Truth.
I don't like big changes.
Hence why it took me two years to move to TN.
I couldn't comprehend laying aside all my plans and diving off a cliff into the unknown.
God had to straighten me out on that one.
However I have found that I'm sort of a control freak.
I hate it when things don't the way I've carefully planned them to go.
As in go into slight panic attack, shortness of breath, tightening of chest sort of "hate". 


After the first six months of this year, I'd thought I'd gotten past this stage. If you haven't notice, this has been a, less than ideal year for me, I hate complaining or even mentioning anything about it, because I know there are those going through MUCH WORSE then being broke. At least I have a job to keep the money coming in (as it goes out the back door).  But that doesn't mean its any less serious. 


Without any money that meant a LOT of what I had planned for this year, in regards to trips, and just life things such as school etc.. had to go by the wayside. I had to change a LOT of what I had in mind for this year. 


So one would think I'd be used to it by now. 


I'm not. 


So I had this plan, Pompei (the yellow lab/golden pup I'm training to be a future guide dog aka seeing eye dog) was to stay with me for about a year. I raise and train him during that time, and then send him back to the Guide Dog Foundation for the Blind, so he can continue his journey to becoming someone's eyes. I found out around May that my group leader was housing a German Shepherd that was to be used as a Breeder for a new line of dogs that GDF was going to work with. I asked our representative if I could raise one of the puppies and was given the affirmative. So I began planning my life towards getting a fifth guide dog puppy around late November, and sending Pompei back around that time as well. 


Now this may seem like a little thing to those who are not puppy raisers. Its just a dog.  Um..No. When I say I'm a volunteer I mean I pretty much center my life around this pup for the year its with me. When they are puppies we can only leave them alone for a certain amount of time, so I have to arrange for someone to check in or watch said puppy if I can't do it. Since my job doesn't allow me to have the pups at work with me, I having to make my schedule so I can have time to go home, pick up the puppy and proceed on to school. 


So 75% of my life is spent wearing my puppy raiser hat. And I love it. My plan was to go ahead bring puppy number 5 into my home and after that take a break for a couple of months, just to have a little down time. 


That was MY plans. 


So when I heard that we welcomed 9 more future guide dog puppies into the world  on 10/10/10. I was estactic! Not only would I get to follow my newest baby before he/she got here but I was FINALLY raising something without "retriever" in its name. 

All those plans were shattered today. Yes shattered may be a bit dramatic...but I had the last couple months of this year set to go in a certain vein, I had my trips and school planned around it. I had my mind getting prepared for it, and within five minutes of sending an email those plans were tip off the self they were sitting precariously on. 


Apparently my name was never written down on the list for one of these special pups, thus knocking me out of the running for one. 


I'd forgotten the puppy raiser motto to "write it in pencil" and had most satisfactorily written that down in ink. 


::Saturday October 16, 2010:: 


Now that I've had time to work through my feelings, move on, face bigger more important "problems" such as my $193.50 charge for those registration tickets, and having the money for that....I've come to realize this is a little deeper then just not getting a GSD pup. Its more about loosing Pompei.


Pompei is special. This is another one of those "you've got to be a PR to know what i'm talking about moments" but I'll try to explain. 

With the high volume of dogs going through my home, you don't BOND  with every dog. There are some dogs you just live with. Out of 12 trainee's only four would I have kept as a long term pet..had I been given the option. The fourth of that group being Pompei. 

I think I was hoping by getting a GSD that it wouldn't feel like I was replacing Pompei's presence in my house. This next puppy has some high standards to live up to, and I guess I didn't want just ANY puppy that was available. I can understand a little better why people don't get new dogs soon after their previous one passes. 


Now that I've had time to work through my emotions and adjust my thinking, I'll most likely wait and see what I feel closer to Pompei's IFT. I've never been through a semester dog-less.  I've never been without a service dog pup for more than a month in the last five years.


I don't know if could take a break now, even if I wanted to. 


We.Shall.See. 


Though I've heard rumors that Midnight (first picture) is supposed to go into heat sometime soon....thinking about waiting for one of her pups...  

Until another thought strikes me,

                                             

Thoughtless Thursday

Yay for another Thoughtless Thursday! I love any excuse to be random!

• Funny thing, when you start living in th moment, looking for the good in each day and letting God handle the nitty gritty details, life suddenly becomes a whole lot brighter! I'll admit, that I'm human and I did let all my "situations" weigh me down, its really hard not too, but you know, these things will happen whether I'm sitting on my couch griping on Twitter, or if I'm out enjoying the sunshine. So I'm striving to do the latter.  
• Companies website is down. Again. And I'm way outta my league. #okLordhelp! 
• Packed my lunch to day!! I haven't done that in eons, when we were held hostage at my job and forced to work through our lunch breaks. #dontmissthosedays  
  On the menu? Spaghetti and Arizona Tea. :) 
• Also been drinking water daily! Yay me!

• Have to skip class tonight in order to do my studio photography assignment. #somethingsnotrightaboutthispicture  
• English Paper Outline due today. Our next assignment we have to right in class. By Hand. 6 PARAGRAPHS!! Do you know how long its been since I wrote anything longer than a shopping list or school notes by hand?! What is this some kind of torture!?! I was planning on bringing my laptop, until one of my classmates asked "CAn we bring our laptops?" Apparently not. 
• In a moment I use my break and write it up real quick. 
• There is cackling come from down the hall....#ihavestrangecoworkers 
• University where I work, is (finally) searching for a new president (not that I care) but writing up this information for our newsletter, makes me realize what a big opportunity this is for someone, I mean if they pay the Chief of Police a ton, who knows what the President makes!! Granted the choosing process is rigorous, but they did a good job picking our new Chief, so I'm sure who ever makes the cut will be good. 
• If you are not following me twitter you need to do so. Right Now. 24/7 of randomness what more could you ask for!? 
• Sample Tweetage:
• If you would ever like to be overwhelmed. Please feel free to take a look at my calender! #fb
• Never due today what you can put off until tomorrow. So I think I'll just grocery shop tomorrow!
• 'scuse me while I remove my dogs whine box. NO. Texas you are NOT going outside, I don't care if you run back & forth a million times.
• I have decided. I'm going to have six kids at once and then get a TV show ok!? Oh wait. Someone already tried that. #phooey
• Call me closed minded. Whatever. The whole sister wives thing is strange.
• Um...The end! 

Thoughtless Thursday

First Thoughtless Thought:
"Man my stomach hurts.. maybe if I don't move...oh ow."


Second Thoughtless Thought:
"Hmm...so now the pressure for another car is on...the rents have said the "lease" on their vehicle is up and I need to start looking at places for loans. Whoa well when did this happen? Last time I checked you guys were completely against me having a loan. But if you say so, who am I stop me from checking into other vehicles?" 


Third Thoughtless Thought: 

I LIKE:

I totally need more shoes for school. Did I mention I like shoes?


Jubilee - Who's Who by
SKECHERS

I LIKE:

WL474 by
New Balance Classics

Fourth Thoughtless Thought
"Its funny, how when you're "sick" its hard to think past the next, second or minute. I mean I want to be interested in things other people are saying, but I just can't find it within me to care at the moment."

Fifth Thoughtless Thought
"Random photo of myself and a co-worker at our annual Christmas party. Its almost the season to start flat ironing my hair again...."

Sixth Thoughtless Thought 
- Hmm I don't feel as bad as I did earlier

Happiness: February 11, 2010

Things that made me happy today:

{Sunshine}

{Heading Home after Work}

I'll say it for you: I am silly. Mirrors are distracting I can't help it :)