I Should Be studying...

But..I'm thinking...

Wedding Cake at the wedding I attended Saturday

Thinking about the wedding I just got home from, and how much I don't want to have one. Noo I didn't say I didn't want to get married, but the whole wedding ceremony deal? Its scary.

Today's wedding was nice, very well put together for the couple only to have gotten engaged two months ago. But honestly? I was stressing watching everyone else stress out over little things. While these feeling's aren't new for me, being at another wedding just brings them too the forefront of my mind. Gone are the days were I dreamed of "my" day and what I'd do. Watching my friend in 2009, then my roommate last year has killed all joy at the thought of weddings.

There are too many traditions, opinions, and feelings  to worry about.. in a word.. too many people. Whoever said it was all about the bride? They were wrong. I would know after listening to people stress about what this one would say, or if they did this what would so-and-so think.

I'd be happy to have the pastor, me + future hubby + my immediate family and close friends. That would be a day for me.

And future whomever. 

Then we can have a party with lots of well wishers and the like. No cake cutting, bouquet or garter toss or the silly thing you do with the drinks, intertwining hands and what not. WHERE did that tradition come from?

Could I actually follow through with it? Probably not. Not too mention I'm sure future so-and-so would probably like an opinion in the matter, but I don't see myself enjoying the process much. 

Why are you worrying about this Erin? I know that's what you're wondering.. well I'm not really, but with the majority of my childhood friends dating, engaged, or married. Its something I'll have to think about more. Which is another scary thought. 

You know... I really have a project to finish. 

Good Night.

I Should Be studying...

But..I'm thinking...

Wedding Cake at the wedding I attended Saturday

Thinking about the wedding I just got home from, and how much I don't want to have one. Noo I didn't say I didn't want to get married, but the whole wedding ceremony deal? Its scary.

Today's wedding was nice, very well put together for the couple only to have gotten engaged two months ago. But honestly? I was stressing watching everyone else stress out over little things. While these feeling's aren't new for me, being at another wedding just brings them too the forefront of my mind. Gone are the days were I dreamed of "my" day and what I'd do. Watching my friend in 2009, then my roommate last year has killed all joy at the thought of weddings.

There are too many traditions, opinions, and feelings  to worry about.. in a word.. too many people. Whoever said it was all about the bride? They were wrong. I would know after listening to people stress about what this one would say, or if they did this what would so-and-so think.

I'd be happy to have the pastor, me + future hubby + my immediate family and close friends. That would be a day for me.

And future whomever. 

Then we can have a party with lots of well wishers and the like. No cake cutting, bouquet or garter toss or the silly thing you do with the drinks, intertwining hands and what not. WHERE did that tradition come from?

Could I actually follow through with it? Probably not. Not too mention I'm sure future so-and-so would probably like an opinion in the matter, but I don't see myself enjoying the process much. 

Why are you worrying about this Erin? I know that's what you're wondering.. well I'm not really, but with the majority of my childhood friends dating, engaged, or married. Its something I'll have to think about more. Which is another scary thought. 

You know... I really have a project to finish. 

Good Night.

A Post with a Point: Emotions

Disclaimer: This post has a point. Hey! Don't look so shocked! I can do it when I set my mind to it! 

It all beings with emotions:

Fickle things really, they come and go like the wind, one day you're happy, and then something happens to suck all that happiness away. I used to like to think of myself as an emotionless person, until I realized that no one is emotionless, but some just express them in different ways. 

For instance, I'm not someone to cry at the drop of a hat,I don't get visibly agitated about events that upset me, I'm not going to stomp, yell, scream and curse when I'm angry, and very few things just make me giddy with happiness. For the most part I tend to be very low key in my outward expressions of emotions,  (I like to blame my dad for this trait) but inside...I'm typically a roiling mess.

Like... Now.

Today was a very emotional day for me, Happy, Sad, Giddy, Melancholy, Upset, Stress..you name it, I felt it. 

It started out this morning, with the realization that next Sunday I would be roommate-less. 

The wave of sadness that swept over me, was startling, as it hit me this.is.our last Sunday together... 

I think it startled me mostly because I didn't realize how attached I was to C. Sure we've lived in the same house for about a year and half now, but I don't think close would be us. We're more comfortable with each other and have gotten used to the presence of another in the house...but close? Not overly. 

Didn't I expect to miss her? Sure, I guess I didn't realize how much of a role she played in my life, and I wonder if she knows how much either. 

Than as the morning progressed, we went to church, and then home I suddenly realized that I would be expecting a phone call from Pompei's (4th puppy raised for the Guide Dog Foundation) new handler. Though eager to hear about Pompei, I was attacked by nerves at the prospect of speaking to a complete stranger for any length of time. I need'nt have worried, when the trainer from the Foundation called, the conversation flowed freely. Pompei's new handler is perfect for Pompei and I couldn't have asked for a better matched. Its funny since his partner sounds identical to my own grandfather, I know I've gained another friend through this organization. He wants to keep in contact with me, which makes me so happy as that's a big worry I have when sending my pups away. I don't know if I could handle not being able to hear something about my dogs at some point. 

I ended the conversation feeling as if I could dance around the car. I cannot describe the feeling...

Knowing I was able to be a small part of increasing someone's freedom? Priceless!

I went back into the house and returned to my forgotten book, on a cloud of air. 

After the evening service was over (though equally emotional in a good way) the girls decided to have one last "hurrah" with C and descended on Sonic's for an after church treat...

Along with half of the church...who "showed up". 

I had fun, but something said so innocently stirred up a little bit of annoyance in me, that kept trying to grow, and at first I thought to confront the person about it, but quickly decided that it really wasn't worth starting an argument. 

Than add a small child into a home with 2-not-really-small-child-friendly-dogs in the house, and the day was capped off with a cup of stress and slight frustration. It is clear to me, that at least one of my dogs will have to have passed on before I have any children. And since the likely hood of that event is in the far,far,futre.. we can rest a little easier and focus on managing our lives at present. 

And on that note, I will end this day.... eagerly looking forward to what tomorrow brings...

Erin

Words.

Its the way we communicate as humans. Without words we are lost. Isolated. Destitute.
There are so many words available to us to use. Some of the good, some of the bad, some helpful, others hurtful and degrading. Some are just down right trashy.

Words can get us into trouble, words can stress us out, words can get us out of scrapes and binds, and turn around and get us right back in them.

There is one word, in the English language, though, that I can't seem to use when I need it the most. Its a small word. But has so.much. power in my life.

What is this word, you ask.

No.

Well, actually, it depends.

If you are my sister, father, or brother, I have no problem using it.

"Erinnnnnnnn could you ___________??"  - That would be my sister. Whiny tone, already I can feel the word "NO!" bubbling up in my chest.

"Erin, you need to get out here and clean up the yard______" - That would be my brother. Demanding. Expecting to be obeyed. Really. Who DOES HE THINK HE IS!??

Kids these days!

I include my father in there, though I rarely say "No" and mean it. Most of the time, I'll argue about it and the do it. Why do I do that? That tiny teen still hanging around inside me. I'll blame it on her.

Now if you are my mother, friend, or random co-worker type person....

Its a different story. I want them to feel like they can count on me to do things, even if it causes me stress.... so when I hear a question...saying "NO" is difficult, my mind is already racing around all the things THEY have to do, and if I don't take it, than they'll have to spend time looking for other people and I know if that were ME I would want someone who could just take that burden off of me quickly so....

"Sure...why not..."

Hours later.. I sit at my computer, staring at my google calender, wondering why on EARTH its so hard for me to say that teeny tiny word?

No.
No!
NOOO.

Yes.

Hi..my name is Stressed...and you are?

Oh what a weekend. And there is still one more day left!
Stress is the only thing I can think of at the moment.

With spring suddenly sprung on us, on the weekends (Friday or Saturday) my "yard" is full of people mowing, landscaping, and hanging around on the weekend. Being a private person, its not my favorite things about the coming warm weather. Owning a reactive dog makes it the worst day of the week for me. So I spent my weekend, trying to keep Texas calm and the other part trying to explain to the one person, he reacted too, why they needed to follow my advice if they didn't want to get bit, even if they didn't understand it. I didn't convince them, which means that stress won't be dissipating soon.

That and this coming week will be equally stressful with some big situations I have to do...and I'm completely terrified at the outcomes.

Perhaps terrified is a bit dramatic, but its the only word I could think of to aptly convey my feelings at the moment.

Gah!!

Gotta lot of thinking and praying to do.

TTYL.

Last Week of School...

I am having a tough time believing that this semester is almost done. Seriously only a week and I'm done with this year of schooling for good?? Be still my heart! 
That being said, if I can get any #reverb10 stuff done this week, it will be a miracle. Let's run down what I need to do before I can rest my head shall we?


English 1010 

• Argument Essay
• 5 pages
• 4 sources
• Due = Tuesday
• Final 
• 750-1000 word essay
• Hand written
• In class
• In two hours
• On a day I should be at DISNEY with my FAMILY.
• No I'm not bitter at all! Why do you ask?
• grr.

Portfolio 1 

• One virtual portfolio 
• Sorting through 100 GBs worth of photos to find the "5-star" worthy photos. 
• Seriously.
• This class is a waste of three hours
• All we do is sort our photos...
• Not actually we're supposed to be looking for our best shots and rating them in Adobe Bridge with five stars. 
• I don't, I have started sorting my photos my year, by date and keywording them. 
• Its much more interesting...
• I paid GOOD MONEY for this class.  

Photography II 

• 20+ image portfolio 
• I'll probably spend the next several days "fighting" my classmates for a turn at the ONE printer that is usable for photo printing.
• One would think PSTCC would at least have another room with printers available..but nooo

Studio Photography I 

• 10 image Portfolio printed
• 10 image DVD burned
• My classmates are going to love me for printing 30 prints out at one time....

I feel like I'm missing something here....oh yeah...

Digital Imagine and Workflow

• 10-20 image portfolio digital. 
• Finally, an easy assignment.
• Did you know, this was another "HUGE WASTE OF TIME" classes.
• I'll admit our instructor was a funny guy, but he taught us maybe three things.
• We had no homework
• No Grades...
• NOTHiNG
• I guess we all get "A's" in that class! 

Also next semester/next time I'm at the end of my semester, all my dogs are going to live with someone else for a couple of weeks or so. To say they have been driving me batty...would be an understatement. Granted I know its more, me being stressed out that's causing the nuttiness in my mind, verses them actually behaving out of character...but then again I'm sure my stress and lack of fulfilling their needs for exercise is a big contributor as well. 

*blows out breath*

We will survive.

Good luck to my other college-mates!!!!!! 

This Week

This week has the potential to be a very. very. stressful week. But only if I let it. So I'm determined to live in the MOMENT and not 24 hours ahead, as I'm apt to do; and take things as they come. If I can knock things out of the way "sooner" then I'm can, but I'm sick of worrying about things I have no control over.

Just a little history:

You remember how I thought my troubles with the Finacial Aid department were over with!? Well they aren't! I just checked my FA Status and found out that I only got $700 for Fall 2010 and Spring 2011 semesters.

This means that I only get $350 for this semester.
This also means I still have $1,200 to pay out of pocket.
This also means that I'm not the happiest person ever.

Apparently since I'm still "technically" under my parents household (due to living in a home provided by them rent free) my income + their income = I should be able to contribute greatly to my school.

Guess what!? I already have! *sticks out toungue*

Anywho you all know I quit my second job in January drastically reducing my income, however FA goes off your Tax Return from LAST year, and so there wasn't any real way of noting how much I actually make. NOW.

There is one thing I can do, and so I'm going to try and do that this week, and see if that makes a difference.

If not...........

You know what? I'm not going to think about that right now.

Part of my "Worry Free" diet for this week.

Happy Thoughts: ..............................................I'll come up with something......................

   

{Thursday - August 12, 2010}

*sigh*

Today is the day my suspension goes into effect. 
Here's the thing I forgot to mention, in my previous post.
I was still using my old license from the state of my birth and life for the past 18 or so years. 
I should have changed it last year, to the state of my current residency...but life got in the way, so many documents you have to have, that I didn't at the time. 
So when I heard about this, my first thought was...since I have about A WEEK before my license is suspended, let me get my in state license taken care of now, so I don't have to worry about that. 
Welll...that thought was sort of struck down, I was told to call the "State in the US that I used to live in" DMV and request a hearing, or talk to someone there. I did and the person was extremely un-helpful but requested a hearing for me. 
Ookk.. 
Truthfully I didn't see how that made any difference since I don't live in "State that shall not be named" and even if I just let the suspension go, I wouldn't be able to get my license reinstated through them, since I DON'T LIVE THERE. So at the last minute we decided to try and get my resident state license. Thankfully my father had run over to the "State of my birth" and was able to get my birth certificate. 


So I called my boss, switched work schedules, located documents and got set to try and get my licenses. 


I arrived at the DMV office at 1430 hours (2:30pm) and handed the lady my documents.. But it wasn't meant to be, while my paycheck stub was applicable, my bank statement was not because it wasn't "Stamped and dated as an active account."  *insert annoyed expression* 


Me: The bank doesn't have stamps
DMV Lady: Well we can't accept this unless its stamped and dated. 
Me: I asked them to do so and they said they didn't, here is their card  if you want to call them 
DMV Lady: We don't call people. Here's a list of acceptable documents. NEXT!


So I headed to my car to cry and call my mother. (Cause that's what you do when things don't go your way.)
Maybe I just needed to ride this suspension out...but then how am I supposed to get a license in state that I would now have lived in three years? 


So my mother advised me to try the bank again, despite only have three locations in our fair city. Downtown, West Town and ...West town. (Cause all the rich people live there and is about 35-40 minutes away from East Town)


Downtown it was then, I had my dear mother to check and see if there were any other DMV offices closer to downtown, while I sped, drove towards the bank. Once there I get the same teller I got last time, who directs me to one of the managers. Unfortunately both were busy so my name was put on a list and I took a seat, on one of the cushy couches. 


Both parents called me while I was there, and instructed me to get my document notarized. Except for the small fact that an irate customer had just stormed out due to the fact he couldn't get his document notarized for some reason or another. 


*RED FLAGS*


But I was determined to talk to someone. When it came my turn however, the poor lady had no clue what the DMV wanted, and quickly informed me that her Notary license had just expired. The DAY BEFORE. I explained, that I didn't know what exactly the DMV was looking for but this is what they said was required, so she (bless her heart) pulled up her computer and started looking for requirements as well. 


After 5 minutes of searching, we finally located the list. All of the sudden, she gets and up and says "I'm going to make an exception." The next thing I know she's come back with my document stamped, dated and notarized. 


I literally could have hugged her. 


But thanked her as profusely as possible, and the dashed for my car. 


It was 4:15 pm and I needed to find this "new" DMV office before 5:30pm, despite missing my turn I still made it too the office by 4:34pm and entered to find the small room PACKED with people. As i approached the desk, the lady informed me that they were completely out of numbers and I could be put on a waiting list, if I wanted. But it would be better to come back tomorrow. 


Oh I WANTED.


So I sat down with a drivers application, and waited. and Waited.. and listened  while they told people the camera was down, and waited some more. At 5:00PM they told people, the camera had been down, they didn't know when it would be up, come back tomorrow as we're shutting this place down at 5:15pm. 


Half the people got up and left. I and the other half stayed. Literally. 1 minute after the place emptied out. The camera started working again. The remaining people lined up to get their photos done, and other staff members started calling numbers. Since most had left, most of the numbers were void. I and one other couple were the only "waiting list" people still here, so we anxiously watched the numbers click through. 
Other people received their licenses and left. 


Finally the couple (who were the annoying pushy kind) asked (for the 6th time) if they could be seen. At this point the staff decided to run down the waiting list, since no one else was coming forward. at 5:10PM I was called, and gave the lady my information. I registered to vote and signed up as an organ donor. <--eek!


Within 5 minutes I was walking out with my newly issued licensed. <-insert collapse on the floor relief. 
I don't cry very easily but I defiantly thought about shedding a tear or two over this situation. 


12:01 am  my other state license was suspended. But that didn't matter because its not even applicable anymore.


Today when I got into work, I told my boss (who just happens to be a Lieutenant in our police department) was shocked to hear this situation, and quickly ran both my new license and old to see if anything had been transfered to the new. Nope...and yep the other license was suspended. 


So now we wait. Wait to see what  Birth Home State does. She did assure me that current state wouldn't do anything if BHS did send the info too them. *Thank You Jesus! 

But we've got to see if BHS will do...since I had a hearing requested for me, my current question is whether to ignore it, or cancel it. This past week, has be so. stressful. A lot of things were said, some walls seemed to have been built up, there was a lot of emotions involved. I don't think people felt I felt this situation was as serious as it is. And I felt that some things were handled a little harshly. 


But as of this moment, in this time, in this place. 

I CAN DRIVE!!!

And that's really what I care about. :)

Summer Break: Week 2

Now that I’ve revived from my post-school-funk, I am really starting to enjoy having nothing to do. Week 1 was pretty emotional for me, depressing really; there were also a lot of other things going on in my life that didn’t help out my mental state, but God and I got a real good talk in Friday and I determined to let go and let God and he’s defiantly helped fight and win since then.

I can see this being the second most nerve racking summer of my life, as I seek direction as to what I’m supposed to do this year. Financial Aid was finally sent my way, though I haven’t received anything just yet, which was a huge relief off my back at first, but as time has progressed I am beginning to realize that I can’t stay at my current job.
It’s tough because I really, really, like my job, my co-workers, etc.. but I am barely making enough to cover the few bills that I have. Then I receive a phone call, technically I called her, but it sounds more dramatic this way. My mom had been talking to our insurance agent about an issue, they got that resolved yada, yada, yada, and then the agent starts asking questions.

Note to self, if insurance agents starts asking question find some way to remove yourself from the conversation.

To surmise the situation, the insurance company didn’t have me down as the primary driver on my dad’s car, which at the time I was placed on the policy I wasn’t, so they adjusted that status and guess what?! That action added $50 to my low $45 a month payment. To panic or not to panic is the current question, though they haven’t raised it just yet, it’s only a matter of time. At this time I believe “Nationwide is on your side” will be who I go with as for me their rate would only be $50 a month which I can totally handle.

But it also brings the startling reality that I.Am.Broke. I guess I should be happy that I’m finally getting into the full role of a college student, but I’m not seeing much to laugh about. Thus begins the question of what to do now. I can get another part time job in the summer, but how is that going to help me when school starts again? Or I can look for a full time position which will cut me out of going to class fulltime and receiving financial aid.

Or I can get a full time job that is similar to my current position where I can do homework around my other work… Which then limits the places I can apply to; or…um..nope I’m out of ideas here. Now you should know something about me, I am very picky as to where I apply to work. First because well …(and this may be a totally lame reason) I want to have a chance that I can continue working with service dogs, so that cuts me out of the Food and Retail Industries. Second would be the people, I’m going into interviews looking around at people, how they greet me, how they respond to each other if I can help it I do not want to get back into drama city.

Though with my track record I’m due for another drama filled job *sobs*.
• First Job = 2 women owners, 2 women managers, 4 women employee’s and a gay guy = D.R.A.M.A  When you are starting to dream about your job and are almost getting physically sick on the way to work in the morning...its time to move on.
• Second Job = Husband and Wife owned/managed, 3 girls = No Drama, Great Bosses very fair, awesome co-workers albiet a bit crazy at times. 
• Third Job = 1 woman owned/managed/dictated……yeah I’ll let you feel in the blanks= DRRAAMMMAA -Granted that was the one job where I actually LOVED my work and my co-workers. I do miss the WORK a lot, but not the heavy amounts of stress.
• Fourth Job = Corporation still some drama, but none involving me or those that I work with. So nice to come home and not think about your job until you get their the next morning
• Fifth Job = Who knows????

Thirdly would be flexibility, I’ve probably changed my schedule at least every three months during my time here, they have been awesome about working with my school and other job schedule (at the time) and I’ve been LOVING having my weekends free.

Oh. HA and I guess pay would rank up there between 1 and 2.

But the biggest thing I guess that’s “holding me back” is my parents reaction to me telling them that I was considering leaving, my current place of employment. Let’s just say it wasn’t “excitement” that greeted my pronouncement. And while I will ultimately make my own decision….I do value their opinions, (I can actually admit that now without cringing NEVER TELL THEM THAT would ruin my credibility) plus they get to listen to my job rants…However I think we’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really have a choice anymore.

So the Job hunts begins.

In other news, I have gotten Way tired of eating frozen food and decided to try a simple recipe from the The Pioneer Woman’s Cook Book.

Steak Bites{Full Recipe}

See! They even look like hers!!

I rarely follow cooking directions to the "T", so I added in some of Emeril's BAM BURGER seasoning, which spiced it up!

And since this is officially the longest post I’ve ever written…on this blog.. I will end it.
Tata!
Erin

Goodbye....

I have made an excucutive decision.

I have too shut this blog down.

.........

I know its a shock, but its something I have too do.

For my sanity sakes. 

Completely stressed out with all I have too have done by next week.

COMPLETELY.

 I have too make myself concentrate. 

Have to, have to, have to.

{When does one use too and/or to in a sentence? that always confused me}

So don't worry if you don't see me, us, for about two- three weeks.

I'm sure I'll be clogging up your google readers or dashboard with my thoughts. 

haha.

I know you will miss my randomness.

But probably mostly my pictures.

hahahaha

Oh look! A butterfly!