This week, things happened.
This week things I've prayed would happen, have happened.
Things I should be excited about.
My friends are excited for me.
My family is excited for me, and all I can do is smile tremulously and say "we'll see."
Why am I not excited?
Over the past hour I've pondered that question.
There have been moments over the past couple of days when I feel parts of me starting to get excited, and then the other part shuts it down quickly.
Why?
Because I'm scared.
Scared of the change this may mean in my near future.
I've been well within my comfort zone over the last few years.
I know what to do, how to do, and where to put it.
I know, I know, I know.
With this situation, I'm once again in the position to "not know".
I hate.not knowing.
Hate it.
It makes me feel incompetent. I makes me feel juvenile.
And I really hate those feelings.
Change is a part of life. These are things I know, but I also know how badly I deal with change.
Especially changes as big as we're talking here.
(which by this point you're probably guessing, and you may be right, but mums the word until we have an "official" word!)
At the same time, I realize this, if God is in this situation, the outcome will be much better than I can even fathom. I have NOTHING to be fearful of. As long as I'm trusting in him. Its moments like this, when I'm writing this out and suddenly things dawn on me with a new clarity. If I was relying on my own wisdom, and thoughts to get me through this situation I would have a real reason to be fearful, if I just look at the here and now I have a reason to be fearful, but if I'm trusting in God who can see the beginning and the end than I have nothing to worry about.
Its funny to me how writing things out can make me feel better, its almost as if seeing the words on paper, helps me understand myself a bit better.
Pray for me ok?
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